


Brilliant doctors make abysmal patients

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Annoyed Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Best Friends, Doctors & Physicians, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, Medical Examination, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Protective Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Team Dynamics, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25198114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Bones is, in the opinion of many of the crew on the Enterprise, the best Chief Medical Officer in all of Starfleet, despite his grumpy demeanour and his constant worry. He was standoffish sometimes, but he meant well, and sometimes he cared about them more than they cared about themselves. The curse of being a doctor, he said.But the saying about good doctors being bad patients still applies to the Chief Medical  Officer of the best ship in the fleet out in the middle of deep-space.
Relationships: Crew of the Starship Enterprise & Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	Brilliant doctors make abysmal patients

**Author's Note:**

> I want to preface this by saying that this is NOT A GOOD FIC and that I am NOT HAPPY WITH IT AT ALL. But if I look at it any longer or work on it again, I'm going to lose my mind, so I'm going to post it so I never have to look at it again. There are so many things wrong with it. I didn't know how to refer to everyone? Most of them are last names but Leonard? I don't know. It's a bad fic, so this is your warning.
> 
> But I love Star Trek. I grew up with it, and I can't believe I never watched the movies?? They're great. It's well cast, and the acting is well done. Everyone needs a Leonard McCoy in their lives. Though I hate how this fic turned out, I still hope that a few of you like it!

**01\. Kirk**

Despite being the highest-ranking officer on this space-worthy tin can, Leonard knew that the best way to get his foolish best friend and Captain of the _Enterprise_ was to stop for a moment and speak with him was through more unconventional means.

Towards the end of his shift on the Bridge, Leonard insisted that Kirk accompany him for a medical anomaly, and Kirk had agreed, leaving the Bridge in Spock’s exquisite care. They made their way through the brightly-lit white hallways and the turbo-lift in silence, and it was only when they arrived at the Captain’s lounge did Kirk’s shoulder’s slump and he let out a long sigh from deep within his chest. “What’s the medical anomaly, Bones?”

“It’s you. You’re the medical anomaly,” Leonard said as he crossed his arms and leant against the door.

Kirk blinked looking confused. “I’m not injured or sick, and I haven’t been on any away missions recently that would constitute me requiring a medical check.”

“Not all illnesses are physical,” Leonard said, and Kirk groaned like he knew what was coming. He probably did. “You need to take a break, Jim. You’re working way too hard.”

Shaking his head, Kirk made for the door, “I don’t need to hear this, Bones.”

“Please?” Leonard held his hand out to stop Kirk from getting any closer, and he only stopped when his chest hit Leonard’s palm. “Just hear me out, Jim. Nobody ever listens to me on this damn ship, and the last thing I need is for you to do the same. Lead by example and listen to your doctor’s medical advice.”

It looked like Kirk was about to object, but eventually, he sighed and turned back around to lean against the desk filled with reports and a PADD with a dark screen. “Make this quick, Bones. I’ve still got a ship to run.”

Relieved, Leonard moved away from the door, assured that Kirk wouldn’t leave without at least hearing him out first, and he instead sat on one of the plush armchairs closest to where Kirk was leaning against his desk. “Look, kid, I’m not trying to stop you from doing your job. I’m not going to take you away from the Bridge or stop you from being the Captain. But the readings I took from you on your last annual examination? I didn’t like them. Not one bit.”

“What did they say?” Kirk sounded genuinely curious now, which Leonard was relieved with. It meant that Kirk was probably going to listen.

“A whole lot you wouldn’t understand, but the thing I’m most concerned about was your REM levels and sleep,” Leonard said carefully, watching Kirk out of the corner of his eye as he scrolled through the data on his PADD. “There are over seventy sleep disorders, Jim, and we’ll be here all day if I told you all the ones I think you’ve got, but its a fair few. Sleep deprivation, insomnia, who the hell knows how jet lag works in space- and don’t even get me started on the non-sleep related conditions! ”

“Bones,” Kirk interrupted, much quieter than Leonard ever would have expected. “What’s your point?”

Putting down the PADD, Leonard put on the most pleading face he could muster, “Please, I beg you, get some rest! Work shorter hours. Wake up later. Take naps. Whatever you have to do in order to get some sleep, because I’m not liking these readings, Jim.”

“I can’t just abandon my post,” Kirk shook his head. “I’m the Captain. I have to be up there.”

“Spock’s more than capable to run the Bridge in your absence, right?” Leonard argued. “And if you’re worried about reputation, I’m more than happy to write up some meaningless report about needing to run tests or whatever to give you an excuse.”

“Do you always abuse your authority like that?” Kirk smiled. 

“It’s not abuse. And besides, whenever I do order people to take time off, they never listen to me anyway, so I don’t even know why the hell I’m on this ship,” Leonard stood from his chair and moved closer to Kirk so he could rest a hand on his shoulder and grip as tightly as he dared. He didn’t want to come off as desperate, despite the fact that he absolutely was. “Please, Jim. I’m worried about you. Just take some damn time off and stop trying to be a hero. Nobody would question you for it.”

Kirk looked between Leonard’s face and his hand on his shoulder before he too placed his own hand over Leonards. While Kirk’s hand was calloused from holding a phaser, Leonard’s hands were roughened from the years of holding medical tools that were as familiar to him as his own hands. “It’s hard sometimes, to find a reason to sleep,” Kirk admitted in a rare moment of humility. “There’s just always so much to do, so many people who look to me for answers. It’s hard to outweigh all of the things that need to get done in order to sleep. I’m always thinking of the next step, the next quadrant, the next away mission. All these people’s lives… it’s my job to keep them safe. How can I be expected to put my sleep schedule before my crew?”

“And I get that,” Leonard said. “I have some medication that could help. But you know to come to me if you’re ever having trouble with anything, and that goes for the whole crew. I’m a great doctor, Jim, but I can’t help if nobody comes to me. I’m just sitting in the med-bay alone all day, waiting for someone to come in and make my day more interesting.”

This time, Kirk laughed, and he pushed off the table to wrap Leonard in a tight hug. “I’m glad that I’ve got you on this ship, Bones. You’re the best Chief Medical Officer I could ever ask to accompany me through the stars.”

“Yeah, well, I’m the only one that could put up with you long enough to complete the voyage, so it’s not like I had a choice,” Leonard grumbled, but even he was laughing now. “But please, Jim. If you won’t listen to me as your doctor, listen to me as your friend. You’re no use to this ship sleep-deprived.”

“Will do,” Kirk laughed pulling away and making his way to the door. “Can I go back to the Bridge now? I do have a ship to run.”

“Yeah, yeah, get out of here, kid,” Leonard mumbled, and soon enough it was just him alone in the Captain’s lounge. He wasn’t due back in the med-bay for another half-hour. _What the hell?_ He thought as he sat in Kirk’s chair and used to the replicator to make himself a cup of coffee. _I deserve it._

**02\. Chekov**

Chekov slunk nervously into the med-bay at the top of shift, his uniform meticulously tidy and his hands behind his back. He knocked politely on the doorframe, and Leonard turned from where he was categorizing his tools to greet him. “You wanted to see me, Doctor?”

“Ah, yes, Checkov,” Leonard pushed away from the counter and wheeled himself over to the other side of the room. “Come, sit.”

“Is there something wrong, sir?” Chekov asked as he shuffled into the room and hopped up onto the examination bed when Leonard patted it. 

“You tell me,” Leonard leant back in his chair and crossed his arms, fixing Chekov with a knowing stare. “You’ve been sniffling since you got back from your latest exploration mission on Ferenginar, not to mention that you’re looking a little green around the gills, so to speak. Why didn’t you tell me that you weren’t well?”

Admittedly, Chekov seemed cowed and looked shyly down at his swingling feet. “I thought it was just a cold, sir. It didn’t feel too unlike what we used to get back home. I felt well enough for duty, in any case.”

“On Earth, it would be a common cold. In space? It could be any number of airborne or contagious diseases,” Leonard said. “I’d like to check you over before I send you back to duty.”

“Yes, sir,” Chekov nodded, and Leonard stood from his chair to gently yet intently go through the motions. Honestly, he believed that it truly was just a cold, but in the undiscovered quadrants of space and any help nowhere to be seen for lightyears, it was always better to be safe than sorry.

There were no words exchanged for a moment, just Leonard muttering to himself under his breath at all the subtle symptoms that he found. Chekov was resolutely avoiding looking anywhere close to Leonard, and when he took the opportunity to spare a glance at Chekov’s face, he recognized that expression. He had seen it many times over the years, especially in his profession. “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, Ensign. You’ve done nothing wrong. If you hadn’t just returned from an away mission, I wouldn’t be quiet as worried, but I’m just making sure that you’re fit to return to full-time duty.”

Chekov licked his lips. “I didn’t want to make a big deal. I thought I was fine enough to continue with my duties. I felt that coming to see you with concerns was unnecessary.”

“Not at all,” Leonard said as he checked his temperature. “You always come to me, even if you’ve got a headache,” after thinking about it, he amended, “Well, maybe not if you have a headache. Maybe a migraine,” he pulled away. “I don’t have to tell the Captain about this visit if you would prefer.”

Immediately, Chekov perked up. “I would appreciate that very much, Doctor. Thank you.”

“No worries. I get how it is. You don’t have to explain anything to me,” Leonard chuckled as he walked around the medical cot to his cabinet filled with medications. He understood how important it was to make a good impression in front of the chief commander, and how any sort of detriment to that was heartbreaking. He had to deal with that fear a lot while he was in medical school, and while he worked his way up the ranks. But he also knew that Kirk wasn’t the kind of Captain- the kind of guy- to care about that. He valued the skills and presence of all his crew regardless if you had a perfect attendance sore.

Chekov was a good kid, and he was one of the only crew members that Leonard actually enjoyed the presence of. He was good company, full of spirit and energy and innocence. He was fun to be around without even trying. Loyal and hardworking, he was the best Starfleet officer that the _Enterprise_ could ever ask for, and he was only seventeen.

“Doctor? Chekov asked into the silence. “May I ask you a personal question.”

“Not too personal, I hope,” Leonard replied. “Ask away.”

He mulled the question over for a second time before he asked. “Why does Captain Kirk call you ‘Bones’?”

Though it was an innocent question, Leonard found himself freezing. He wasn’t sure how to answer that. Sure, Chekov was a good kid, a nice kid, but that was a story that not even Kirk knew the whole depth of, standing in their Starfleet Academy uniforms, _it left me nothing but my bones_ , whispered on the wind and leaving a bitter taste on his tongue. He tried, even many years later, not to think of the divorce if he could help it. But the wound was still too large to totally mend, too raw to really heal, and a demon that he preferred to keep looked up securely in that cage within his chest, under his own careful watch, his personal lock and key.

But it was a story he had told before, and now, with Chekov looking at him with those wide, inquisitive eyes, curiosity curling at the corners of his mouth, Leonard felt the lie tumbling out as easy as breathing. “It’s a play on words,” he explained. “Short for ‘sawbones’. Back home, it means a physician that’s qualified for conducting surgeries. Jim gave it to me back at the academy, and it’s stuck ever since.”

“Ah,” Chekov tilted his head to the side as he thought it over. “That makes perfect sense, actually.”

“Yeah, Jim's a real smart-ass, through and through,” Leonard turned back around to face Chekov and handed him a script he had written by hand, and handed it to a patiently waiting Ensign. “You’re all cleared for active duty. I’ve written you a 24-hour suspension from your duties in Engineering and the Bridge, but knowing you I know that you have no intentions of using it. Just make sure you take this medicine at the recommended times and you’re good to go.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Chekov smiled as he hopped off the table, and paused with a contemplative look on his face, arms still braced behind him. “I appreciate your concern, and for caring for me when I did not care about myself .”

“I’m a doctor. It’s my job to care about every member of this crew, _especially_ considering they never care about themselves,” Leonard said, already turning away to return to his previous task. “Now get out of here, kid. I’m sure you’ve got a more important task to do or something.”

Nodding his thanks, Chekov turned on his heel and exited the med-bay as fast as was to be expected, and Leonard found himself once again alone.

**03\. Sulu**

It was just before his shift ended for the night and he was looking over his reports for the day when Sulu sheepishly knocked on the door to his med-bay, his home away from home, holding his wrist at a wrong angle. “Hey, Doc. Got a minute?”

Frowning, Leonard stood from his chair and ushered Sulu into the room. It was late, not that you could tell in the deep abyss of space, but it was late enough that even Leonard, a trained medical officer who prided himself on how little sleep he could function on after a full 16-hour shift, sometimes filled with medical mishaps and the occasional emergency, could full the tug of exhaustion and the lull of sleep. Definitely too late for Sulu to be awake for any conceivable reason. “What the hell happened?”

Sulu winced as he lifted himself onto the bed, forgetting for a moment about his injured wrist and using it to brace himself, before bridging it back to hang in his middle. “It’s embarrassing. I’d prefer not to talk about it.”

That was unexpected, and Leonard came up short. “Uh- ok. If you don’t want to tell me how it happened, can you at least tell me what you think is wrong so I don’t have to waste time with useless checks?”

“It doesn’t feel broken. I think it’s just sprained,” Sulu said. “I didn’t want to bother you so late, but I knew you’d be up and, well… I wanted your medical opinion before I tried to take care of it myself.”

“Good,” Leonard couldn’t help but snort. “At least someone on this bloody crew has some common sense. Now, this is going to hurt, but if you bare with me…” he gently began to prod around the slightly bruised, puffy area of his wrist, and Sulu sucked in a pained breath, but otherwise didn’t react. “No pulled ligaments, no floating bones, no cracked flange, no internal bleeding. Just a sprain. You’re lucky. It’s a bad one, I’ll give you that, but it could have been much worse.”

Sulu released the breath he was holding, the tail-end morphing into a relieved sigh. “Thank god. I was worried I’d have to ask for a suspension for my duties tomorrow.” 

“Don’t get your hopes up yet, kid,” Leonard said as he backed away from the table to go rifling through drawers, searching for his necessary equipment. He’d already packed up for the night, so nothing was where it was easily accessible for the daily grind, but this was _his_ med-bay, and he knew where everything was like that back of his hand, end of the shift or not. “I’ve still got to bandage it.”

“Oh,” Sulu’s voice was quiet, resigned. He watched Lenoard unwrap the bandage from its bundle before he slowly began to wrap it around his wrist. “I’m surprised you knew it was sprained without using your tricorder.”

“I was a doctor before I was the Chief Medical Officer of the _Enterprise_. Sometimes, you just fall back onto old habits. Detecting sprains and strains was one of the first things I learned,” Leonard said. 

“You don’t talk about your life before Starfleet very much,” Sulu observed.

“I’ve never needed to. I didn’t have a life before Starfleet,” A blatant lie, but Sulu didn’t push. Leonard took the opportunity to watch Sulu, who was staring at his wrist as if it had personally offended him with a look of resignation, and he still couldn’t for the life of him figure out what had happened. “I know you don’t want to tell me what happened, and I’m not going to force you into it, but just tell me… was it an accident? Or is there someone’s ass I need to demote?”

The shock on Sulu’s face was evident, his fast blinking and open maw almost comical, and quietly, Leonard was amazed he actually said that out loud. “Do you actually have the authorization to demote someone?”

“No,” Leonard grumbled. “But I can talk to Jim about it. I do enough for that man as it is. And what Captain is going to ignore the advice of his Chief Medical Officer?”

“Abusing your post. I like how impulsive you get when it’s late,” Sulu joked before the mood grew sombre once again, and though there was a small smile on his face, his eyes gave away how annoyed he was. “Nobody did it. It was an accident. A stupid, embarrassing, accident. A mistake only a rookie could make.”

Leonard looked at him long and hard for a moment until he glanced up to meet his eyes, before sharply looking away. “Now you _have_ to tell me.”

Sulu looked like he was about to protest before he sighed in resignation and ran his good hand down his face. “I was sparring in the holo-deck,” he admitted reluctantly. “I’m trying to improve my offensive capabilities. I’m a damn good pilot, but I’m useless in the field. I wanted to make sure that if I ever got into another situation where I’m separated from the team, or I don’t have a phaser, or I have to fight for my life… well. I wanted to be prepared. But I misjudged a movement and slipped and-”

“Right, OK,” Leonard interrupted, not unkindly, and rested both hands over Sulu’s now fully bandaged hand. He understood, and he didn’t want him to divulge anymore, especially because he didn’t want to in the first place. “I get it. I just wanted to be sure that it was an accident. You’re all good to go. I can tell the Captain that you need a break from shift tomorrow, but I assume you won’t take it.”

“You assume right,” Sulu smiled as he slid off the table. He wiggled his fingers of his injured hand and grinned up at Leonard when the tight bandage did the trick, and no pain radiated through his arm. “I feel better already. Thanks, Doc,”

“No worries. But Sulu?” he said and Sulu paused at the door. “If you’re falling, don’t and I mean _don’t_ , for the love of god an all that is holy, _don’t_ put your arm out in front of you.”

Sulu laughed, light and airy, quiet. “Thanks for the advice. Goodnight, Doc,”

“Goodnight, Sulu,”

When Leonard was alone once again, he busied himself with tiding his supplies back up and contemplated whether it was worth it to head to bed.

**04\. Uhura**

As Leonard stood in front of Uhura, plucking needles out of her hands and arms with a pair of tweezers, he wasn’t sure if he should be impressed or surprised. “Only you could accomplish a feat like this, Nyota,”

Uhura hissed as he removed a partially deep needle from her palm. “Oh, shut it, McCoy. You wouldn’t understand if you weren’t there,”

“Well, from what Jim told me, you jumped off a cliff to avoid a hermit civilization and landed face-first into some sort of pine-needle-bush-thing,” he said, and Uhura stayed resolutely silent, and Leonard knew that he had hit the nail on the head. “Which, by the way, was not only a bad idea, but you have no idea what might be in these needles. You don’t know what damage they could have done other than making it hurt for a while.”

“You’re the Chief Medical Officer,” Uhura's voice was curt. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“I’m not saying that I won’t,” Leonard said. “But you don’t make things easy for me.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Uhura managed a smile. It was a forced smile, accompanied by tired eyes and the tiny sharp intake of breath. “God, please be careful, Doctor.”

“I’m trying, but don’t worry,” Leonard soothed gently and under his careful ministrations, he felt her relax. He put down his tweezers and ran his thumbs over her palm as he searched for any remaining needles hiding deep within her skin. They’d been there for hours already, slowly pulling needles and spines from her hands, and beside them was a substantial pile that’d been slowly growing on the tray. “I’m almost done.”

Uhura let out a relieved breath as Leonard put down the tweezers and pulled out a bottle of salve. He removed the white lid and scooped a portion out with his fingers as he brought his tricorder closer. “I know I give you crap sometimes, but I really appreciate this, Leonard.”

“You thought I would let anyone else take care of you with this sort of thing?” Leonard scoffed and Uhura smiled. “People tend to forget that I’m the doctor on this bucket of nuts and bolts. I know you’re all self-sacrificing fools, but I would like to do my job, just once in a while.”

“Ah, don’t lie,” Uhura said as Leonard gently began rubbing the creamy-looking salve onto her skin marred by slowly bleeding wounds and pockmarked punctures. Slowly, the pain began to ebb away and she felt her tense shoulders relax. “You love a challenge.”

Leonard looked at her through his eyebrows, hunched over her hands. “After all these years, you still don’t know a single thing about me. I hate challenges. They just make my life harder.”

But Uhura’s eyes were knowing, and Leonard averted his gaze. He knew what she was going to say before she even took in a breath to say it. “So you say, but you’ve forgotten that your best friend is none other than one James Tiberius Kirk, who is notoriously a pain in the ass, yet you don’t complain about him.”

“Wrong,” Leonard said. “I do complain about him, often and loudly, just not where he can hear me.”

That surprised a laugh out of her, high and musical, and Leonard realized how long it had been since he heard it. Before they set sail for their five-year journey, no less. Maybe even before that? They didn’t exactly have the chance to laugh on a space ship filled with protocols and danger. “Don’t tell me you’ve had a nagging session without me.”

“Don’t worry, Uhura,” Leonard laughed. “My whole life is just one continuous nagging session.”

They sat in comfortable silence for the remainder of the time while Leonard was applying the salve, and it was only when he wiped his hands on a wet towel and reached for the roll gauze that she spoke, sounding resigned and, if he didn’t know better, disappointed. But he knew her, and knew that it was probably frustration that she felt, not disappointment. Which he could understand. “It was a stupid mistake,” she said eventually. “I should have seen the bush. It was huge, Leonard, I couldn’t have missed it if I tried. But I just couldn’t let them see me, not after what happened last time.”

“It’s not like you to dive head-first into often dangerous and sometimes stupid situations,” Leonard joked, and Uhura scoffed.

“Very funny,” Leonard decided not to comment on how it was, in fact, very funny. “I just hope the Captain doesn’t look poorly on my decision and that it doesn’t affect my duties aboard the ship.”

Leonard froze from where he was cutting up square pieces of gauze to place over her still-sticky hands coated in the white salve. “Jim? Are you serious?” he almost scoffed. “Unless you got yourself killed, you know he doesn’t care what happens on away missions, as long as you get home safe and with all your limbs still attached.”

“It’s still a decision I made,” Uhura argued. “It might reflect on how-”

“Uhura, it’s _Jim_ ,” Leonard sighed. “You know that he doesn’t care about what you do as long as you don’t get hurt doing it. The same thing happened with Spock in that volcano. Besides, he knows that you’re probably going to beat yourself up enough as it is.”

Resigned, Uhura dropped the topic and let Leonard strategically place squares of thin gauze across her hands. “Have you ever thought about going on more away missions, Leonard?”

“Me? No,” Leonard shook his head. “I only go when it’s absolutely necessary, and even then, I don’t like it. I’m a doctor, not an adventurer.”

“I think you’d be good at it,” Uhura said. “You haven’t died yet, and you’ve been forced onto plenty of away missions.”

“Yeah, well, it’s only a matter of time until my luck runs out,” Leonard said as he put the gauze aside and lifted his tricorder, running it over her hands and staring at the screen, before his face relaxed. “You’re very lucky. There was nothing in that bush but painful needles. No poison, no toxin, just pain.”

“Lucky me,” she muttered as she took her hands back.

“Now, I know you Bridge personnel refuse to take sick days, but I’m giving you this suspension just until tomorrow,” he put his hand up when she went to argue. “Just to give the salve time to work. I want to ensure the wounds don’t get infected. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Reluctantly, Uhura snatched the slip of paper from Leonard and slipped off the table. “You drive a hard bargain, Doctor.”

“Be more careful where you leap next time then,” he called after her as she left his med-bay, and he spent an hour counting the spines in the little tray and assorting them by size in small translucent envelopes to study later.

**05\. Scotty**

It was the first thing in the morning when there was a hammering at his door, and Leonard groggily dragged himself out of bed to answer it, dragging his feet on the ground and running a frustrated hand down his face. “Who the hell- it’s almost six in the gods damn-” 

He opened it to find Scotty leaning against his door frame, eyes half-lidded, pale, holding onto his head and groaning. “Oh Doc, I’m so glad you’re awake.”

“Well, I am now,” Leonard muttered as he dragged a staggering Scotty into his quarters. He collapsed onto his bed, gripping his head like it might explode and moaning like anything. “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know!” Scotty cried. “I woke up not long ago and it felt like something was trying to split my brain in two! It’s unbearable, Doc, you have to help me!”

Leonard ran to where he kept his tricorder on his bedside table and pulled a box of medical supplies from under his bunk. “You know, I’m not even surprised. What else do you feel?”

“I thought you were a doctor!”

“Yeah, but you need to help me just a little bit!”

“I’ve never been so thirsty in all my life, and I feel like I’m being torn apart by a dodgy transporter,” Scotty groaned. “I’ve already thrown up three times since I woke up, a I feel like somebody is punching me in the gut,” he yelped again and crawled into a ball, but Leonard reached down and pushed him over onto his back and ran the tricorder up and down his body.

When the tricorder received no results and came back negative to all the possibilities of deep space-related disorders, illnesses and conditions, Leonard frowned. “I don’t know what this is, Scotty.”

“So much for being the Chief Medical Officer of the best ship in the gods damned fleet!” Scotty moaned. 

Leonard would have been offended if the situation wasn’t so dire, and he threw his tricorder to the ground. He threw open the lid to the chest that usually resided under his bed and began to rifle through it. “Where have you been today, Scotty? Any away missions? Have you been exposed to anything dangerous or unusual?”

“I’m an engineer!” Scotty argued like that was supposed to answer the question.

When Leonard lent over Scotty to administer some pain relief into his neck, he froze at the strong scent of alcohol that hung off of him like a thick fog and Leonard reeled backwards, blinking like he’d been slapped in the face. He lowered his tools to his side. “Computer, lights on,” he said deadpan.

Scotty groaned as the room was illuminated in sudden blinding light. “What the hell-!”

“Scotty, have you been drinking?” Leonard asked, though he already knew the answer.

“So?” Scotty demanded. “I’ve been saving it since we left Portown, and due to the stressful nature of our profession, I thought I deserved a drink! I’ve been _stressed_ as of late! Can you really begrudge me a -”

“Shut up, Scotty,” Leonard said as he walked to his minuscule medicine cabinet and opened the doors to pull out a container of medication filled with small white pills and threw it hard at Scotty’s head, who flinched just in time to slap them out of the air before it could impact against his face. ”You’re not dying, you’re hungover.”

The look on Scotty’s face would have been almost comical if Leonard wasn’t so damn angry at him. “Hungover? No sir, I know what a hangover is, and this is not one of those.”

“You’ve never been one to hold your liquor.”

“I can hold my liquor perfectly well, thank you very much.”

Sighing, Leonard slammed his medicine cabinet closed and began putting the equipment he had hurriedly removed from the crate back where it belonged. “Get out of my room, Scotty.”

“But-”

“Now.”

“What if I’m afflicted with some, I don’t know, _alien disease?_ Space sickness?” Scotty argued as Leonard shoved him off the bed and he caught himself just in time to prevent slamming into the ground. “What if I’m dying?”

Resisting the urge to groan, Lenard turned his back on him. “You’re not. You’re perfectly fine. Drink some water, sleep it off until your shift and take a couple of tablets. Have the replicator make you an egg and bacon burger or something for breakfast. Whatever you do, it’s out of my hands. Unless you’re dying or almost dead, I don’t want to see you for the rest of the week.”

Scotty stumbled to the door, grumbling under his breath all the while, and just when Leonard thought that he was finally free and alone in his room and could actually breathe again, Scotty reappeared, sticking his head into the room and drumming his fingers on the wood. “Are you _sure_ that it’s just a hangover?”

Leonard grit his teeth. Sometimes, he really wanted to bang his head against the nearest solid object until he knocked himself unconscious. “Yes, I’m sure. Now _get out_.”

Before he could blink, Scotty was finally gone, flouncing down the hallway and the door sliding shut behind him. Leonard fell face-first onto his bed, cold now considering how long he’d been awake, and tried to fall back asleep.

Almost as an afterthought, he muttered “Computers, lights off,” before he finally closed his eyes and rested for the remainder of the night.

**06\. Spock**

The last thing Leonard wanted to waste his morning on was chasing Spock through the many winding hallways of the _Enterprise_ , but here he was, hot on the Vulcan’s heels and trying to get him to stay in one place long enough for his tricorder to work.

“Spock-” he hissed as Spock once again turned a corner and forced the Doctor to catch up. “I swear to god, Spock-”

“I don’t see how any god is going to help you out here in deep space,” Spock said, and once again, Leonard was reminded how much he wanted to throttle him.

“Don’t make me beg, you prick,” Leonard replied. “Two damn minutes isn’t going to make a drastic difference to your day.”

“As I’ve stated before, there is no need for me to see you, Doctor, and therefore, there is no need for me to indulge your medical checks,” Spock continued on his way to the Bridge, and Leonard had no choice but to follow him.

“I thought Vulcan’s couldn’t lie?”

“I am not lying, Doctor.”

He’d been chasing Spock around he decks for far too long now, and frankly, Leonard was sick of it. He stopped following after Spock and placed his hands on his hips, and the motion was so sudden that Spock glanced over his shoulder to watch him. “Fine. If that’s the way you want to play this, I’ll play your little game. Spock, if you do not stop being a fool for the next ten minutes, I will issue a mandatory medical discharge and a barrage of tests until I deem you worthy of returning to work.”

Slowly, Spock turned around, an eyebrow raised to face Leonard. Passers-by began to slow down and watch, but they didn’t stick around for long. An argument between these two never ended well. “Are you pulling rank on me, Doctor?”

“Damn right I am,” Leonard said. “So what’s it going to be?”

“You might forget, I outrank you.”

“Maybe during normal situations, sure. But during a scenario that I deem medically sensitive, I have the power to determine whether or not a patient can return to work or if they must be examined first. Believe me, I remember that rule because it’s the only way I could ever outrank the Captain, and that comes in handy when the Captain of your vessel is James Kirk,” Leonard stood in the hallway with his arms crossed, tapping his foot, his tricorder hanging loosely from his hand. “So what’s it going to be, Spock? Are you going to sit still for five minutes so I can quickly look you over, or am I going to have to discharge you from duty and drag you to the med-bay?”

Spock looked about to object, but he knew the rule book better than anybody and was well aware that Leonard was capable of what he claimed. “What would you have me do, Doctor?” he asked as he folded his hands behind his back, PADD hanging loosely from his fingers.

Relieved, Leonard stepped forward, close enough to touch, and ran the tricorder around Spock’s head, trying not to stare at his unimpressed expression. “Just stand still.”

“May I ask what the purpose of this bombardment is, Doctor?”

Sighing, Leonard still refused to look at him, focusing intently on the data on the tricorder. “You people may not believe this, but I am a constant worrier. I was watching you guys the moment you left the ship. I watched you get hit in the back of the head with the shrapnel from whatever those people threw at you, and I know how hard it must have hit you to knock you off of your feet,” Leonard rose his eyebrows to meet Spock’s gaze. “You do remember this, right?”

“I do,” Spock said slowly. “I did not think the result was severe enough to require medical attention.”

Leonard wanted to scream. “You people and your self-righteous sensibilities. I’m the damn doctor- what’s the point of me being on the ship if none of you are going to let me do my job? That’s like having Chekov on Bridge but not letting him navigate, or not letting Sulu drive.”

Thankfully, Spock decided not to comment. He mulled Leonard’s words over for a moment. “I hadn’t wished to worry you with such base needs. I hadn’t thought my injury was so severe that I couldn’t take care of it myself. I never considered that I might be impacting your ability to do your job.”

Instead of answering, Leonard stopped scanning with the tricorder and looked at the results. “You have a minor concussion,” he said and tried to keep his annoyance at bay. “Nothing too serious.”

“Will it impact my ability to-”

“No, you can still work on the Bridge,” Leonard sighed. “I’ll bring you up some medication to take later, so you don’t even have to leave your damn post. See, was that so hard? I don’t understand why you made a big deal about it. You can go now, you’re dismissed.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Spock said to his retreating back, and Leonard nearly collapsed at the sound of it. “For your continued care and consideration,”

“I’m just doing my job. It feels amazing when you people actually let me,” Leonard called over his shoulder before he retreated to the relative safety of the med-bay, and prayed to whatever god who would listen for a quiet day. 

**00\. Bones**

“I hate away missions,” Leonard mumbled under his breath as he sat alone in the empty med-bay, illuminated only by the small light above his head, and peeled away the bloodied clothes stuck to the wound in his side, the mostly-dried blood flaking to the ground. “I’m a doctor, not a distraction.”

Slowly, he peeled off his blue uniform, holding back a grunt of pain as he struggled to lift it over his shoulders, and discarded it with the flick of a wrist, sending it spiralling haphazardly to the ground. In the mirror, his whole right side was smeared with his own blood, and when he ran a finger through it, it was sticky like honey and didn’t leave a trail. At least he knew that it had stopped bleeding not long ago, probably by the time everyone had finally cleared out of his med-bay. He couldn’t tell how deep it was, but obviously not deep enough to cause any real damage or cut any major artery, considering he was still alive. He couldn’t feel any pieces of debris that might have snapped off inside so he was assured that he had gotten it all out.

When he was sure that the area was clear, he grabbed a bottle of antiseptic rub and poured it onto the sterile cloth he had pulled from the box in one of his drawers, and couldn’t hold back his hiss at the sting of it hitting the wound and gently tried to disinfect the area, pouring a little more antiseptic rub directly onto his skin before rubbing it in and around with the cloth when the material became dry. He’d only been here for five minutes and he’s already sick and tired of it.

Looking in the mirror, he could see how grey his hair had gotten. Since leaving for this five-year journey, he looked just like anyone else his age was meant to. But now there were leopard stripes of grey across the sides on his head, and he was more likely to be described as a salt-and-pepper fifty-year-old than he was a raven-haired moron who hadn’t been out of the academy for less than a decade. Dealing with James Kirk was stressful enough, he decided. 

When his side was cleaned of blood to a satisfactory amount, Leonard just sat there for a moment, hands on his thighs, breathing heavily. It had been a while since he’d had to patch himself up like this, and he was remembering how much he hated it.

“I thought I’d find you in here tonight, though I admit, I was hoping it would be under different circumstances,”

Leonard looked up at the sudden voice by the door and wasn’t surprised to see Kirk standing against the doorframe with his arms crossed. “Took you long enough,” he joked as he picked up a roll of bandages, and slowly began to unroll them. “I was wondering when the hero James Kirk would grace me with his presence.”

As he watched Leonard bring the bandage to his side, Kirk pushed off from the wall, quickly crossing the space between them so he could take the bandage from Leonard. “Let me do it.”

“I don’t need your help,”

“Sure you don’t,” Kirk said. “Which is why I needed to hear from Uhura that you were in here bleeding instead of you coming to tell me yourself.”

Sighing, Leonard didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t bother. “How’s the ship?”

“Good. Scotty fixed the engine, and the repairs are simple enough to fix. They’ll last until we can land on the next Starfleet base,” Kirk said. “The med-bay and the upper-decks sustained the worst damage,”

“Tell me about it,” Leonard grumbled. “But she lives to fly another day,” He glanced down at where Kirk was winding the bandage around his torso and frowned. “You’re doing that wrong, kid. Just let me do it.”

“Bones,” Kirk sighed. “You know what they say about doctors being the worst patients? I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with that phrase said it with you in mind.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended by that.”

“You’ll find some way to be offended regardless.”

Leonard rolled his eyes. “I’ve had years of practice.”

It had been too long since he had heard Kirk laugh, just the two of them, and the sound was like music to his ears. “You were a great distraction today. I’m not sure I’ve commended you on it yet.”

“Never do that to me again,” Leonard said. “If I had wanted to be a distraction, I would have put on a different coloured uniform. I’ll stay here where it’s safe, thank you very much.”

“Suit yourself,” Kirk smiled as he pulled away, nodding at his work. “Are you hurt anywhere else that you’re not telling me?”

Leonard shrugged. “Nothing that you can help with. But thanks for helping with the bandages. I’ve always hated how slow it was.”

“Bones-”

“I’m serious, Jim. It’s just some pain. I’ve got medication for it.”

Resigning, Kirk sighed and sat back so Leonard could check out his handy work for himself. “You need to start letting people help you more, Bones,” he said. “You take on the task of looking after all of us, and you never let us take care of you.”

He couldn’t help but snort. “Are you kidding? It’s a battle trying to get any of you to sit still for two minutes to let me do a quick assessment let alone actually coming into the med-bay for me to do a full exam. It takes a full two hours of arguing for something that takes only a few minutes.” He shook his head. “A bunch of children, all of you. You think that taking thrifty seconds to sit still and let someone worry over you is going to impact your whole day. You don’t get that not taking those thirty seconds impacts my mental state.”

“Leonard McCoy, professional worrier,” Kirk said lightly. “Is that why you’re so grumpy all the time?”

“You bet your ass it is,” Leonard said as he stood. “And that’s Doctor Professional Worrier to you.”

Laughing, Kirk bent down and picked up Leonard’s bloodied uniform off the ground before he looked around the room. “It’s a mess in here.”

Leonard didn’t even have to look. The sudden attack, while they were landed on an undiscovered planet, had injured many crew-members, and most of them had covered the medical cots in their blood. There was dirty equipment that still needed to be cleaned, and the beds needed to be stripped down with something that smelled stronger than the blood. “This is the ugly side of space exploration, Jim.”

Kirk didn’t answer, just stared silently at the bloodied cots. “Do you have to clean it up tonight? It’s late, and you should be in bed as it is.”

“I can't just leave it like this. It’ll only be worse for me tomorrow,” Leonard waved an absent hand. “It won’t take me too long, anyway. I’ve cleaned up worse messes than this.”

“I’ll help you then,” Kirk said instantly as he beat Leonard to the supply closet.

“Jim, don’t be stupid.”

“What?” Kirk demanded. “I’m allowed to help my Chief Medical Officer ensure the safety of my crew, aren’t I? And you’re both of those things, like it or not. Let me help, Bones. Please? Don’t make me beg. I’m the Captain, I shouldn’t have to beg.”

Sighing, Leonard relented. “I get hurt _once_ and you treat me like a cripple,” he grumbled. 

“If you won’t listen to me as your Captain, listen to me as your friend,” Kirk insisted, a cheeky smile on his face.

“Fine,” Leonard sighed. “But if the others catch wind of this, I will put the most embarrassing condition I can think of in your medical log, you understand?”

“My lips are sealed,” Kirk grinned, and for once, Leonard almost believed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I HATED WRITING SPOCK!! HE WAS THE HARDEST ONE TO DO!!
> 
> Is Bones my favourite? Maybe. (Yes)


End file.
